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Bisexual A rough start with a happy restart - my story

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by Ippytattoo, Feb 23, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Ippytattoo

    Ippytattoo Greenhorn
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    This is going to be a very long post. I hope some will find my story inspirational and give some people hope that their future can be better than their present or past.


    I have known that I was different from other people from the time I was about 5 or 6. I have always felt like I was both a boy and a girl, that there was a duality within me. When I was a child I always wanted to play with my older sisters dolls and her easy bake oven. Being a child of the 70's and 80's there was little to no acceptance of being "different" in small town America and I definitely was born in small town America. I remember everytime my father would find me playing with my sisters dolls and such he would get so angry and take the toys from me saying "little boys don't play with dolls" or whatever I happened to be playing with at the time. I never was taught to be ok with just being myself, I was too soft, too sensitive or just not "boy" enough.

    Puberty was even more confusing bc my parents never gave me any guidance where relationships or boundaries were concerned. A lot of what I learned about how I was supposed to be treated by others came from my older sisters friends (both male and female) who, from looking back on things now, must have seen me as an interesting abnormality. I went through puberty early and am well above average in genital size. From the time I was about 9 until I was 16 many of my sisters friends payed attention to me for purely sexual reasons which as I find out now has had a very detrimental effect on my self image.

    I knew I was attracted to boys shortly after puberty and was unable to hide my attraction especially in gym class and as such recieved much harassment and borderline abuse for my attraction as well as size. I remember being constantly "pantsed" in gym class and being ridiculed on the play ground. I got in trouble for fighting quite often but the "normal" boys never got in trouble for bullying. I was so angry with everyone.

    I met my first boyfriend when I was 15 and he was 14. There was never any kind of discussion between us like "Hey I like boys. Do you like boys too?" or anything like that but we were "together" for almost a year. He was my first love, and then he committed suicide because of his personal struggles.

    I decided it wasnt worth fighting anymore and withdrew from anything that could possibly give away my sexuality and gender identity. I quit playing sports bc it is hard to hide an erection in a locker room full of other boys, I started using drugs to numb the pain and it gave me something to hide behind. I watched all of the straight men on tv to learn how to do everything more masculine, from how to talk to how to walk and stand. I was very promiscuous with many girls through my high school years. I was forcibly moved from 1 state to another between my sophomore and junior years of high school by my father who was using me as a pawn to get my mother to come back to him. My first son was born when I was 17 and I was congratulated by everyone for being a man. I was no more a man than I was when I was 5 and getting scolded by my father for playing with dolls but the world saw me as masculine and I wasn't being targeted as much.

    I entered the military during the don't ask don't tell era and thought everything would be fine. I had a few same sex sexual encounters while in the military and everything was ok but I was suffering from major depression not only from denying who I was but also because of the things I saw while in the military. I started drinking heavily and took an early out option after 2 1/2 years and came home.

    I struggled with addiction for many years through my first marriage and the birth of my 2 youngest sons. There came a point where my first wife decided she no longer wanted to be a wife and mother so she left me and the kids to pursue other lifestyles. So here I am an addict, single father, depressed and so totally confused. So I did the only thing that seemed logical at the time, I packed all of me and my sons belongings and moved 3000 miles away. I had to change my life.

    After I got settled in, in the middle of the bible belt of all places, I got on a path of spiritual discovery that led me to paganism and my first real look into duality. I met an amazing, strong and confident woman who made me feel like I wasnt completely broken or damaged. We got married and blended our families after some major changes were introduced by mother nature in the form of hurricane Katrina. I was a complete and total jerk and hyper masculine trying to hide my true self. I tried to do everything a "masculine male" was supposed to do and I was completely miserable. This was the case for almlst 10 years.

    In the matter of 3 years we lost my sister and my mother. We came out to where I lived in my late teens and 20's for a memorial service for my mother. While here my wife decides we are moving because she thinks I need to be "home". I am terrified but I act like the masculine male and go along with it all while advising her that i have a bad reputation and history here.

    3 years after moving we lost my middle son to complications from diabetes which sent huge waves of doubt and depression through my world. I was at the point of giving up on everything. I didn't know how to survive this. I meditated quite a bit on who, what, where and how I was supposed to be. I finally gave my self to the universe for guidance and everything took a hard left turn in a split second. We met an amazing tattoo artist, who has become a dear friend and an inspiration. She was so open and unapologetic with her bisexuality and non binary gender identity which I had never seen before in real life. She did memorial tattoos on myself and my partner and things started becoming clearer. The universe was telling me that I needed to be more open about myself. Through social media and our lovely little nymph, as we call her, we found out about an event called fairyworlds. Little did we know that festival would be the trigger to so many positive things. While there I actually started to process the grief of losing 3 people that were very close to me and I hadn't dealt with. That was when my partner jokingly asked if I would let her put me in a collar which I took as a sign it was time to come clean about everything but I had to figure out how. Slowly over the next 6 months my partner found about my submissive tendencies, me being non binary (I am learning that I am probably gender fluid as I often see myself as both male and female to different degrees) as well as my sexual and romantic attraction to both male and female.

    In the last 3 months we have gotten so much closer than ever. She embraces me for who I am without judgement and encourages me to just be me. I am so thankful that she stuck with me for through my horrible times. Without her I dont think I would be able to be the person I am today. She is my love, my best friend, my confidante and my greatest supporter.

    If you read this all the way through I apologize for the book. Hopefully my story will bring others hope
     
    #1 Ippytattoo, Feb 23, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2020
  2. Ran88

    Ran88 Greenhorn
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    Don't apologize books a always intriguing to read. That's a interesting story you have so far. I'm happy you found the person that will let you be yourself after dealing with so much heartache in your life. This story will provide hope and inspiration to those whom need it. Thank you.

    Sent from my SM-J327T using Tapatalk
     
  3. Ippytattoo

    Ippytattoo Greenhorn
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    Thank you for the kind words. Reflection is both a gift and a curse at times. My therapist tells me that to heal we first must process and then share. My hopes for sharing are simple. If I can help 1 person survive the tough times to experience the amazing times it makes my suffering a little more bearable.
     
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  4. Kahlan

    Kahlan Reliable Advisor
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    Well it was a great read. Looks like you've lived through the ups and downs of a complex life thus far, and there is certainly more to come. I think you have a very good ability to be self aware of who you are inside. Something that many people live their entire lives not really knowing, or at least not knowing how to articulate. Thanks for sharing. :) 
     
  5. bi-fi signal
    Stressed

    bi-fi signal *bi intensifies*
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    that was an amazing story, and im sorry to hear the struggles you went through, but i'm glad you were able to find a good friend
     
  6. Ippytattoo

    Ippytattoo Greenhorn
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    The last few days I have been working through some things. My full time partner has been so understanding and giving. I feel conflicted over the thought of having a sexual relationship with someone outside our marriage. We have talked about it several times and she has stated every time that it's all good as long as the sex is protected. I know I should take her at her word but I have a constant apprehension that years down the road I may hear the cliche "I thought you would have gotten this out of your system by now" or something similar. I already get tested for HIV and sti's regularly even though I have been monogamous the last 15yrs. Yesterday I decided I am going to start PReP just in case I find someone who I am ready to pursue an outside physical relationship with. When we talked about it she was so supportive and agreed it would be a good idea. Now to find a new dr because I dont feel comfortable talking about my sexual orientation and gender identity with my current gp.
     

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