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13 Year old Bi daughter wants to have a sleepover with a Bi friend who is a girl. What should I do?

Discussion in 'Bisexual' started by SupportiveMom, Aug 7, 2017.  |  Print Topic

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This thread is being watched by 15 users.
  1. Nikos

    Nikos "Running away is even worse than losing"
    Beloved Member

    Jun 4, 2017
    +132 / 0 / -4
    Wow 13 and having relationships with both boys and girls...when I was 13 all I was thinking was about my Pokemon card collection :p 
    Anyway Im propably the last person to give any advice on this but one thing for sure is that the more you forbid your kid to do something the more she will try to acomplish it so its better to have it under control in your own house with your rules while also showing you can trust her ..you seem like a loving mother hope everything works out
  2. Qoso
    No Mood

    Qoso Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Aug 3, 2017
    +12 / 0 / -1
    I think I can understand some of your fears.

    Can you unpack some of your concerns? Why exactly are you afraid of your daughter inviting over someone she's attracted to? Once you figure that out, I think it would be helpful to talk with your daughter about your concerns, listen to why she wants to have a sleepover with this particular girl, and see if you can't negotiate.

    For example... you've said you're concerned with her having a sexual experience while she's so young. Is that because you'd like her to have some more coping mechanisms in case something goes wrong? Or, another example... your daughter has said nothing physical will happen, but my concern is that maybe your daughter will want to confess her attraction to the other girl and maybe the feelings won't be reciprocated and it could lead to a very uncomfortable rest of the night...

    And maybe you could ask your daughter why she wants to have this person over for a sleep over. Is it to get to know the other girl better, maybe as a friend or to see if maybe they could be a couple sometime? Maybe she just wants to have other friends who are bisexual so she doesn't feel odd out? If that is the case, I might suggest a day adventure... like a hike, or swimming at the park, or video games at your house. Maybe your daughter could invite this girl on a family outing, or maybe you could offer to drive them somewhere?

    I hope you find something that works well for you all!
    #22 Qoso, Aug 11, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2017
  3. SiegfriedSassoon

    Aug 11, 2017
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Here's my story. I am bisexual and a single father. I told my daughter when she hit the teens that she could not have sex in the house until she had finished school and was at university in a serious relationship. When she was 14 she had her best friend (15 yrs) sleepover all the time. However, it just so happened that the girls became more than friends and began a sexual relationship. A few months down the track, it all blew up because the other girl's parents who were not so LGBT friendly found out. Actually it was her mother who found out about the girls, by snooping in her daughter's room when she was not there . Anyway, all hell broke loose as the girls had been having sex in my house and the other girl's house on sleepovers (unbeknownst to the parents). I had the parents on my doorstep, blaming my daughter and myself. This is how I found out that my daughter is bisexual, which of course did not bother me as I am. However, from my perspective it was not the nicest way too find out. It was an extremely unpleasant situation all round

    My advice. Your house, your rules. I would let the girl sleep over, but not share the same room when they go to sleep. I would allow my daughter to have male friends over but they could not sleep in her room. A teenager is a teenager. Things have not changed in that respect since when we were teenagers. As the parent, you should do what you feel comfortable with. You can't stop teenagers having sex/fooling around but you are the parent (and take note of what happened in my situation when I trusted my daughter, who didn't have to deal with the fallout when sh*t hit the fan).
  4. AudryLeigh

    AudryLeigh tGirl and Dedicated Advisor
    Moderator Supporter Beloved Member

    May 13, 2016
    +610 / 0 / -12

    Well my kids have kids who are approaching their teen years now so, personal experience on this subject is very far in my past, and the world was a very different place then. However, there are a couple of points that I'd like to comment on, just for your consideration.

    The most important of these is that the absolute last thing you want to do is to make your daughter even a tiny bit less likely to come to you and be truthful in the future. In this case, she was totally up front with you and told you things she didn't have to and that you wouldn't have known if she hadn't - that's worth it's weight in gold, and in my book it's worth taking a bit of a risk to preserve. Nixing the sleepover might make her less likely to be so forthcoming with details she could just as well leave out, in the future.

    Next, a good talk with your daughter would be in order, especially since you clearly already have a very open line of communication going. The fact that she told you the other girl has been sexually active gives you the perfect opportunity to talk about your concern that, being alone together and both being bi, you worry that temptation might get the better of them, and "something" might happen. I don't think making her promise that that wouldn't happen is realistic because, if temptation did get the better of them and something did happen, she'd be afraid or ashamed to tell you, but you could ask her what she thinks the chances are, get her to promise to steer away from any intimacy as best she could, and get her to promise to tell you if anything did happen. Better that you should know than not.

    Also, I think it would be appropriate to ask her how active the other girl has been - was it a couple of encounters, or is she promiscuous. If she has been promiscuous, I think you should be able to make your daughter understand how that is, in and of itself, a concern that is valid and make the point that maybe she should think twice herself about whether she really wants to be alone with a girl who has been promiscuous. (Somewhere along the line, regardless of this particular issue, I think it's time to have the STD talk with her.)

    In addition, I think it would be perfectly appropriate to say that you'd like an opportunity to get to know the other girl, before giving the OK to a sleepover. An afternoon at a beach or swimming pool, whatever is available, or a picnic lunch at a park (I don't know what people do these days... ) something where you'd have an opportunity to talk to this girl a bit, to get to know her. Try to come up with something both of the girls would be up for. Even if it's something like taking them to a skating rink or a movie or something, even if you didn't interact with them during whatever the activity was, you'd have the chance to chat in the car during the drive there and back. Seems like that would either ease your mind a lot, or raise some red flags that you could then discuss with your daughter. For example, if the other girl was reluctant to talk to you, or was evasive, that would be worrisome, but if she was just a normal talkative 13 year old who was at ease chatting with a friend's mother, that would seem quite reassuring.

    Anyway, just my 2 cents worth. I think if you make good use of the obviously very good relationship you have with your daughter and get to know the other girl a little first, you'd be able to trust your daughter's good judgment, and respect for you, and a sleepover would go just fine. Like someone else here said, maybe your daughter just needs to make close friends with someone like herself, and neither of them has any designs on the other. I guess you mentioned that your daughter did say that she liked the other girl, but did she imply that she liked her "in that way"? And I think I remember you saying that your daughter had said the other girl was not interested in her, "in that way". Likely just birds of a feather. Anyway, you must really be an awesome mother for your daughter to have the kind of trust in you that she obviously has, and I think that alone should give you reason to believe that your daughter would never do anything that she knew you wouldn't approve of.

    Feel free to PM me any time. Helping people think through things like this is what I do here, and I've worked with a lot of kids your daughter's age, here on this site. I do want to say though, you and your daughter are the most awesome parent, child pair I have encountered in a very long time. Kudos to you!

    Many hugs to both of you,
    Audry Leigh
  5. pokerchips

    pokerchips Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Jun 28, 2017
    Las Vegas
    +197 / 0 / -36
    Personally, I don't ever advocate telling children "no" about something because of the chance something might occur. My philosphy is that if they really want to, children will find a way. I would rather if I had kids (we're working on it!), I'd rather them do the activity safely rather than being unsafe. I'd rather have an open conversation and line of communication, especially about boundries, safety, etc, than for the kids to be doing it in the park after hours or something.

    This comes from personal experience: my mom found out I was gay, and I was no longer allowed to have sleepovers (at first). So we ended up doing it anyways on the band bus just to spite her. Later we had a huge argument which resulted in me being allowed to have guys sleep over again. I made the point that I should have at least earned a bit of trust by now, and that she was going way overboard.
  6. PaxAeon

    PaxAeon Bene Gesserit
    Moderator Beloved Member

    Jan 24, 2017
    +870 / 0 / -16

    As a single mom with three girls, my two youngest are 12 and 13, the question of sleep overs has never been an issue. They happen here all the time. I trust my daughters to do the right thing. Even if they don't (sexually that is) I'd sooner it happen here in a safe and secure environment.

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